Reposting from ih8mygeneration
Sorry, Twilight fans but I'm in a lousy, spiteful mood that I need to post this just so people who actually have a strong dislike for Meyer's caliber and story would be affirmed. Fans, you're in for a rude awakening...but only if you're ready. If you don't want this to influence you (which will definitely happen since it's powerfully informative) then DON'T READ. This is extremely controversial and might just hurt your feelings if you are a fan.
DISCLAIMER: There are some arguments here that I agree with, some crude revelations that I found enjoyable and entertaining. But I do not own this article. If you wish to file a compaint, this is the source: http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Twilight
Twilight, along with its cash-cow sequels New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn is a four novel long, vampire romance series for young adults by hack writer Stephenie Meyer, who successfully proves that Mormons cannot write good fiction for shit. Chock-full of one-dimensional characters and completely devoid in originality, it reads like a 12-year-old's fanfiction, or Anne Rice for teenyboppers. Nothing within the series can even vaguely be compared to the term "well-written." Instead, the books are a regurgitation of every vampire cliché known to man, simply copying and pasting every online vampire novel together until it would appeal to any girl that read it. Each sequel is significantly longer than the previous one, leaving sane people to wonder how Stephenie can say so little in 400-900 pages. The majority of the books are made of dialogue, allowing each chapter to sound like a drama-filled role-playing session (which the fangirls are probably very familiar with) and also fucking up the book's concept of time. For example, within the course of a five minute conversation, the characters are able to order, eat, and pay for dinner at a restaurant. More than half of Twilight is just characters giving wry smiles, chuckling, hissing, glaring, flaring nostrils and raising eyebrows during some vapid, angsty conversation. The stories are written in first person, from Bella Swan's point of view -- but since she's completely lacking in any characteristics, it's easy for the reader to forget. If you want to know just how horrible Twilight is, it's on par with Tara Gilesbie's masterpiece My Immortal, only with spell check and a sad attempt at trying to disguise unoriginal ideas, My Immortal is actually a troll, Twilight is a legitimate novel making it epic fail. The maddening thing is that Twilight isn't rotting on fanfiction.net like it should be, but making millions of cash monies. The author is in Time Magazine's 100 Most Influential People, because apparently catering to the fantasies of fugly goth girls who wouldn't know a good book if it hit them in the face makes you noteworthy. For some reason, there is no Rule 34 of Twilight yet seen, thank fuck.
Plot
The books are cooking in the cesspool of the modern monster-drama genre, like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, the Anita Blake series, and American Idol, where instead of being terrifying and ripping people in half, the monsters live among humans, go to high school for no apparent reason, and shine like a thousand crystals under the sun. If you dig a hole in middle-class suburbia and throw in a 16-year-old girl, an objectified emo vampire who hates himself and a date-raping werewolf, you get the gist of the series: a hopeless romantic bitch obsesses over her vampire boyfriend who's been a virgin for a century.
Twilight
The first book in this train wreck. Bella moves to a place no one cares about called Forks, which is a primarily Redneck logging town IRL and meets a vampire named Edward Cullen. Somehow, Edward finds Bella's incessant bitching and moaning attractive, so they fall in love during the space of a chapter and a half. After three hundred and something pages of nauseating flirting and Edward's family somehow enjoying their secret vampire identities being in jeopardy, a plot finally falls from the sky; a group of hobo vampires show up and want to suck Bella dry. In the end, the Cullens try to protect Bella, but her mom gets kidnapped by the vampire villain, James, and demands Bella comes to him alone so he can kill her. Bella throws logic out the window, and rather than coming up with a plan, decides it's best to confront James alone, ditching the two friendly vampires who were protecting her in the first place. Blindly obeying the villain's demands results in Bella getting the living snot beaten out of her, breaking her legs and ribs and almost turning into a vampire, but all is well: she heals just in time for Edward to take her to the prom in the epilogue.
New Moon
OH NOES! EDWARD LEAVES BELLA. Why is never really explained. Oh, wait, he wants to PROTECT her. How Meyer comes up with this shit I'll never know. Afterward, Bella becomes super emo. So emo, in fact, that she doesn't do anything for a while, which makes for a super exciting sequel. Jacob, a Native American who totally wants to be BFF's with Bella fills in during Edward's absence, fulfilling Bella's need to be a complete attention whore at all times. Bella also has a dream where Jacob becomes a wolf-- WHAT COULD THIS POSSIBLY MEAN?! Eventually Jacob tells her he's a werewolf. A new vampire villain, Victoria shows up and wants Bella dead because the Cullens killed her boyfriend James in the last book. This gives the werewolf tribe a reason to make Bella the center of attention as they try to protect her. The book then takes a page from "Romeo and Juliet" and Bella tries to become an hero but fails hard. Rosalie 'accidentally' tells Edward that Bella is dead, so Edward goes to Italy to become an hero, but he also fails as Alice and Bella stop him just in the nick of time. The Cullens and Volturi debate over whether or not Bella should become a vampire, and Jacob is extremely butthurt now that he's just friends with Bella. Oh yeah, and Edward proposes to Bella. New Moon is also the the longest book in the series. Disregard that, Eclipse is longer. Disregard that, Breaking Dawn is even longer and hereby wins the Trophy of 2008.
Eclipse
A love triangle ensues between Edward, Bella, and Jacob. The furfag Jacob is now purposely acting like a douche to all vampires because he's jealous of Edward. It's also here where Bella's primary objective in life is to get sex from Edward, but he wants to wait until marriage. Victoria, the evil vampire bitch from the second book comes back and masses an army of vampires to overkill Bella, probably because of the precedent set by Peter Jackson that the third story in a trilogy should always feature an epic battle. Rather than asking, "Why the fuck should I risk my life and fight an army of vampires for this bitch?", all the werewolves and vampires in Washington join forces to partake in the battle. Before the siege, Jacob considers killing himself if Bella doesn't kiss him. Frenching ensues, and Bella, the cheap harlot, realizes that she loves both Edward and Jacob, because she is completely inept when it comes to making decisions for herself, and Stephenie apparently can't think up a better conflict which would make Bella seem less retarded. Bella eventually decides to go with Edward instead of Jacob because who wants to marry a furry? Conveniently, the vampires and the werewolf pack suffer absolutely no casualties during the battle, deus ex machina much? And ding-dong, the bitch (Victoria) is dead. Eclipse clocks in at 629 pages in length.
Breaking Dawn
The last book in this series. from BELLA'S perspective, thus letting Meyer make at least one hundred other books from different perspectives. Four days before it's midnight release, Iowa and Texas revalidated their inclusion in the union once and for all by selling copies of Breaking Dawn early. Thousands of masochistic fangirls swarmed Yahoo Answers! rabidly defending Meyer's intelligence and denying that Bella gets knocked up after the wedding with Edward's death-defying sperm (living sperm in a body fluid-less guy who's been dead for 90 years) and gives birth to a demon spawn that tries to kill her from the inside out, drinking her uterus blood and breaking her ribs, spine, and pelvis. Insert Meyer's anti-abortion diatribe here. To save her life Eddy gives Bella a cesarean section with his teeth-- no, I'm not making this shit up. Oh, and this was Edward first time having sex even though HE IS NEARLY AS OLD AS TIME ITSELF and TEH HAWTEST THING IN THE UNIVERSE!
Further reminding us she is Mormon beyond belief, Meyer named the baby Renesmee (Mormon tradition often combines two family names to create one fucking retarded nonsense name). And the middle name is Carlie (Carlisle + Charlie). Renesmee Carlie Cullen. Proving she is a big fan of pedophiles, Meyer has Jacob "imprint" on baby Nessie (the LochNESS Monster) who will be grown in the span of six years (convenient.) Yes, people: the 16-year-old spurned lover wants to sex it up with the mother's newborn mutant daughter. Now Jacob put past transgressions behind him, and Bella and Edward can go screw each other while Jacob babysits/fucks their daughter.
Also, Bella got married to Edward, became a vampire, and the rest of the book was preparing for a battle to protect Nessie from the Evil Vampire Gang, a battle which anti-climatically never happens. The book ends in a magical field of sugar-plum fairies, gumdrop rainbows, and orgasming unicorns with "and then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever." The spoilers were true but die hard fans aren't laughing. In fact, the Twilight army has pretty much dumped their weapons and are agreeing with the rest of the world in thinking that Ms. Wish Fulfillment should lay off the crack. The most awesome thing: the butthurt fans are raging over just how terrible Breaking Dawn ended, and are returning the book in droves after reading it. Meyer is very upset.
Midnight Sun
Also known as Twilight 2: Electric Boogaloo, this book will be the same old stupid shit from the first Twilight, only told from Edward's perspective, undeniable proof that Meyer is not only shameless, but also lazy, she gets to recycle all her old dialogue, meaning she only has to write approximately 2% of a new book. In the unedited first chapter released on Meyer's website, it is revealed that Edward can kill a whole room of people in a minute. He also has a guro fetish, and an eating fetish. Seriously. It's coming out soon, but it's the same as Twilight, just from Edward's perspective, meaning that this time you'll get to see his Bella stalking from his point of view, and some detailed descriptions of bestiality before he rips out the jugular of his animal prey (if he was smart he'd eat Jacob and his problems would be solved. But unfortunately for Edward, the woman who created him lacks common sense). This book plus the following Twilight Guide book and the movie companion version of the book just prove that Stephenie is just milking these fangirls for all they're worth.
August 28, 2008: Midnight Sun leaks onto the interwebs. A butthurt Stephenie Meyer wrote about how sad she is about the leak on her website. Midnight Sun was clearly going to pay for a new house and a better wardrobe whenever it was supposed to be released. The culprit of the breach isn't some l337 hacker, but in a true showcase of stupidity, Meyer herself. Apparently she's been throwing around unfinished drafts like they were confetti, giving one of the copies to Rpattz, the guy who plays Edward in the shitty movie adaption of Twilight so he could "better understand his character". Rpattz, pissed off because he got stuck playing a character he hates (seriously), leaked the Midnight Sun manuscript in retaliation. Meyer is so butthurt about the leak that the book has been canceled indefinitely. Someone needs to call the WAAAAHMBULANCE! There is now a Publish Midnight Sun (PMS) Petition full of illiterate aspie fangirls bawwing and begging for Midnight Sun in caps lock. This is all according to Meyer's diabolical plan. First, she announces that she will stop writing Midnight Sun. Next, millions of fangirls weep, sob and plead for her to continue, thus stroking her ego.
The Author
Now, why in the hell would anyone subject the world to imminent doom by writing this crap, you may ask? Because she's a Mormon? Oh ok, things make more sense now. Graduating from Brigham Young University with a Bachelors Degree in English, Meyer has the best education you can get from a school which gives the Eucharist and the alcohol-free blood of Christ in the cafeteria (note the links at the bottom of the college's front page to The Church of Latter Day Saints and the Missionary Training Center). Looking at her writing abilities, apparently getting a Degree in English is about as hard as baptizing a dead person. But instead of teaching kids about compound sentences and verbs, she decided to write a book. Her "saga" shows an author that (a) is tired of reading vampire stories on Quizilla and decided to write one herself or (b) knows what the masses like and delivers, despite the fact that it means writing on the same level of every 12 year old girl who's touched the internet. One implies that she's just another angst-whore; the other implies that she'll sacrifice literary quality for money. Her website details that the idea for Twilight came in a dream she had about a sparkling vampire in a meadow blabbering on about how hesitant he is to love a mortal. Three months later: Twilight was written and on its way to super stardom. Why write in first person? It's because the entire series is actually a fantasy that the author had. She wishes she could be Bella, and decided that she could profit from the fantasy.
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I wrote the book for myself.
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| —Stephenie talks about her self insert dreams |
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All I can guess is that when I write, I forget that it's is not real.
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| —Stephenie on her wet dreams |
After being hailed as the next J K Rowling, Stephenie suffers from a severe case of unwarranted self-importance. (She butts people in lines for bathrooms because she thinks she is hot shit.) Meyer goes so far as to actually brag about how easy it was for her to become an immediate success with all the little 12 year old girls and stupid fucks out there buying her shit. A side note: about all of Meyers photos try to hide how overweight she actually is. Maybe if she spent some time jazz-ercising and less time writing vampire fanfiction, her husband would actually touch her and she wouldn't have to dream about Edward fucking Bella all day long. Her husband probably just fucks the other two wives he's married and Meyer is just there to make money.
Many fantards are worried about Meyer. They wonder what exactly she is smoking. We believe she's on meth or crack. Perhaps she's on heroin, since her self-insert Mary-Sue Bella-fucking-Swan has a boyfriend who regards said self-insert Mary-Sue Bella-fucking-Swan as his heroin addiction.
Characters
Bella Swan
Possibly the dullest, whiniest, and most weak-willed bitch of a main character you'll ever find outside of online fanfiction. If the name didn't give it away already, she's nothing but wish fulfillment for the author, Stephenie. The name "Bella" is actually Italian for "beautiful," so her name actually means "beautiful swan." Like oh-so-many protagonists for romance novels, she's the "average, ordinary, everyday girl" archetype, and constantly gets into life-endangering situations from which she cannot herself escape, thus becoming a damsel in distress. In an attempt to not make her absolutely perfect, the author gave her a fault of being really, ridiculously clumsy, which the Mary-Sue article will tell you is not an actual fault. If you have any doubt about Bella being a Sue, just read this description of Bella from Meyer herself. Most of Bella's "character" is her whining about how she can't do anything without falling over. Despite the fact that she shows no evidence of any interesting personality aspects and can't do a goddamn thing right, everybody inexplicably loves her anyway, with a total of five guys lusting after her jailbait physique. After attending her new high school for one day, she becomes "liek, teh most popular girl in skewl" by doing jack shit. Evidently, Forks is one of those assfuck-nowhere towns where a new kid in the local high school is such an incredible occurrence as to garner the attention and awe of every single student and faculty member in an entire school, because clearly, they have nothing better to occupy their attention. Rather than come up with a reason for why she's so popular, the author decided to simply have Bella point out the mystery. Much like the protagonist of My Immortal, she can't walk three feet without being hit on or almost raped. It's astonishing that droves of women aren't offended by Bella Swan's character, since she is the very embodiment of the helpless, save-me-from-the-bad-person woman who is incapable of doing shit on her own without the aid of the other characters. It is also widely considered known that Bella Swan is the self-insert of the author, which results in lulz of epic proportions from people with common sense. Fucking Edward also makes Bella a necrophiliac. Way to be, Bells, way to be.
♥♥♥Edward Cullen♥♥♥
The vampire of Bella's affection, he's pretty much a talking mannequin. In the first book, before he was BFFs with Bella, he revealed himself as a stalker, following Bella to her house, and watching her masturbate sleep through her bedroom window. To any sane person this would be the signal to call the courthouse for a restraining order, but it's okay here because Edward is made of liquid sex. Every sentence describing him features the words "perfect," "flawless," "beautiful," "astonishing," and/or "breath-taking." (Here's a fun game: take a drink every time Meyer uses some elaborate adjective to describe him. You'll be in the hospital by chapter seven.) He has absolutely no characteristic flaws, making him nothing more than more wish fulfillment-- wait, I lied, Edward is an atheist, that's a flaw, especially for a Mormon writer.
He is at least a hundred-years-old (which means Ultimate PEDO since Bella r 16, lulz) and a vegetarian vampire, since he abstains from eating humans (but pet owners watch out! He could be eating your cat as you are reading this!). There is no moment where he isn't in complete control of Bella. When it comes to her, he is unyielding and possessive and not hesitant to have a bite of anyone else who's considering her, this including Jacob Black. Edward can also read peoples' minds, a skill he frequently uses to cheat on game shows. Oh, wait! He can't read Bella's mind, because she is special and unique like a pretty snowflake. However, it is revealed in Breaking Dawn that Edward can't read Bella's mind because, in all actuality, she has no brain waves and/or thoughts. Yeah, she's that "special"
The vampires in the novel evidently don't burst into flames when sunlight touches their oh-so-perfect skin; in fact, a chapter where Bella and Edward frolic in a forest shows that vampires sparkle in the sunlight like pretty fairies. In the third book he proposes to Bella because he doesn't want to have premarital sex, even though he has been a virgin for a hundred years, further solidifying his character as a man who doesn't exist. Edward can also play the piano, and his sonatas have been known to literally make a girl's panties dissolve. Along with this, some argue he can make the straightest of guys gay for him, or even the most feminist straight for him. But these are just myths. All other characters in the series are irrelevant because none of them are Edward, proving that the power of fangirls and obsession is as strong as it's ever been. Oh yeah: EDWARD IS TEH SEX PEOPLE, DON'T DENIE IT! Yes, yes he's not.
In Breaking Dawn, Edward also explained how he and his family are so rich: he has been pimping out pregnant ladies since 1901. No word yet on how the fan girls are taking this horrible tragic piece of news. He also has secret buttsecks with Jacob Black whenever Bella isn't looking. Breaking Dawn also revealed that Edward's real father is Count Chocula.
Despite being renowned worldwide due to his horrendously sparkly penis, Edward's only fans are sexually repressed 16-year-old girls, with the only exception being the book's author, who invented Edward due to the lack of sex in her marriage. It is revealed in the epilogue, that he gets eaten, along with the rest of the cast and twilight universe, by hellsings Alucard for stealing his fangirls
Jacob Black
Jacob Black is a fifteen-year-old werewolf Native American teenager with a massive sex drive. Along with being a self-proclaimed mechanic, Jacob is also an obsessive fanboy over Bella, and faps to her at least 100 times a day. When he is not trying to get rowdy with other werewolves, he usually spends a considerable amount of time masturbating in the privacy of his garage to thoughts of a Bella covered in bondage, whenever he gets tired of playing with bombs and motorcycles. He is madly in love with Bella despite the fact that he is well aware of her affair with Edward; he has even thought about a threesome. This scenario also causes Twilight fans to have wars with each other, leading to mass internet bloodshed and emo tears. One half of the fanbase raves, complete with big fangirl tears, that Bella is going to marry Jacob, the other half believes Bella is going to marry Edward. But don't get this confused with all the other totally original vampire/werewolf romance novels. It is just as bad as the Harry Potter and the Zutara shipper wars in which everything supporting one side is over analyzed or just plain made up. The losing side are obviously the Jacob and Bella ships since Stephenie Meyer clearly has no sense. As anyone with a brain knows, Jacob is a good man, a cute furry, and not an abusive loser. Unfortunately, he won't win Bella in the end. Actually, you know what, this should be praised, as he is too good of a person to have to live the rest of his life with a bitch like the protagonist. And he doesn't, Jacob instead falls in love with Bella's and Edward's baby. Well played, Meyer. Well played.
Renesmee (Nessie) Carlie Cullen
Nessie Cullen is Bella and Edward's mutant hybrid spawn-of-Satan kid. It was named after the Loch Ness Monster, Bella's true love interest. Its full name is Renesmee Carlie Cullen. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "What kind of a name is Renesemee?" Obviously, Bella was high on crack at the time she named her kid, and could only think about combining the sorry names of her real/vampy parents. Nessie took after her mom, and endorsed the Mary-Sue way of life. Although it tried with all its mutant might to kill the bitch on its way out of the girl's stomach, Bella survived, and spends most of her time coddling the mini-monster (when she's not off having sex with her equally horny husband).
Besides being really cute and having lots of pretty white teeth, Nessie also has the joy of growing super-fast; which is ironic since vampires aren't supposed to age, so it proves the author doesn't even know her own mythology. Its soon-to-be-husband Jacob Black only has to wait seven years to begin the banging. So romantic. Don't you wish you could have started your period when you were three years old so you'd be ready to give your mommy's cast-off boyfriend a kid by age six? Although most of the fandom hates Nessie, they should feel sorry for the thing. After all, its own father tried to squish the living daylights out of it. Plus, as Bella said before, it's a hard knock life having a limitless credit card, being a gorgeous vampire, and having people love you no matter who the hell you kill or how much of a retarded bitch you are (seriously, somebody needs to wean the author off of all those drugs she's on).
Note: the following people are secondary characters who nobody cares about.
Alice Cullen
Alice Cullen is Edward's perky step-sister who has the nifty ability to predict the future, which like Edward, allows her to cheat on game shows. She very much enjoys throwing parties like her long lost brother Corey Delaney. She is said to resemble Taylor Swift, Rachel Leigh Cook, and Amy Winehouse. Along with moving like a gazelle, Alice is said to rival even the toughest of the tough. Fangirls like to think that she, along with her God-like step brother Edward, can and will kill Chuck Norris. This is the biggest example of a lie in the history of mankind, even more untrue than the cake.
Jasper Hale
Jasper is a HALE. Like Edward and Alice he has some sort of power but it's pretty crappy compared to the other two. He also has a very big penis and loves to sing some songs about the confederacy. A southerner at heart, Jasper is known for participating in acts of incest with his brothers and sisters in his past lives, and, naturally, in this life. His new daddy Carlisle didn't like that, so when he was incorporated into the family and did the deed with Alice they changed his last name to Hale so that his attempt at incest resulted in fail. He has held a grudge against Carlisle and the rest of the "Cullens" ever since. Why not being a fucking Cullen is reason for anything other than extreme joy is beyond anyone with common sense, but we cannot hold this against poor Jasper, because it is not his fault that he is an inbred retard. Between singing about Southern rights and driving his pimped out Dukes of Hazard car, he's by far one of the most fucked up characters in the book, and is obviously the author's original version of Edward before publishing convinced her that main characters involved in incest would spark controversy with the Mormons who make up over 9,000 percent of her fan base. As revealed in Breaking Dawn, we find out that Jasper is actually bi. He once was apart of a dance troop who preformed all around Mexico. He earned his nickname, Jazz, from his ability to do the perfect Jazz Hand dance. Jasper also loves to spend his time sexing it up with his nomadic friends Peter and Charlotte, dying his wig different colors of blond, and going into vampy-mode at the sight of blood.
Rosalie Hale
Rosalie HALE is a spoiled slutty blonde whore. She only became a vampire after getting raped by her "soon to be" husband. Carlisle kidnapped her and after some pointless whining she became a vampire. Like every single fucking girl in the series, she's liek, super jealous of the special and unique Bella. She's engaged to Emmett Cullen but readers speculate she'll dump him for some other guy (such as her brother Jasper) soon enough. She is also apparently regarded as the most beautiful woman in the world.
Emmett Cullen
Emmett Cullen is often described in the book like a bear. He is in fact the son of a naturalist who, after accidentally giving himself a mild tranquilizer while attempting to knock out a bear, wound up having unprotected sex with said bear. If you can't do the math, this makes Emmett a half breed. Emmett became a vampire after he hooked up with Rosalie at a brothel and is currently suspecting she is more than willing to dump him for another, more attractive man. There is much debate as to which will win Rosalie's affections at the end of the series: Emmett's huge, bear-like self, Edward's sex levels of over 9000, or the natural animal magnetism of her brother, Jasper.
Carlisle Cullen
Carlisle Cullen is a senile, retard in town. A dodgy doctor by day and a vegetarian vampire by night. The truth is that he originally wanted to be a vet but after all of the animals in his surgery died under mysterious circumstances, he decided he'd go into operating on people instead. When this didn't work either, he fled the country and joined the Peace Corps in Canada, where he got gang raped by some old, fugly vampires and became their slave for a few decades. It was after escaping, with the use of a rusty spoon and a dildo, that he met his soul mate, Esme.
Esme Cullen
The wife of Carlisle and the "adoptive mother" of his shit faced family. Esme has no real role in the book, except for being a subservient bitch who bends over, whenever big boi Carlisle wants. She generally strokes Bella's face and tells her "everything will be okay." She has no real skills and just plain sucks. Seriously...check out the chapter of "Eclipse" when Jasper trains the Cullens to gangrape newborn vampires..she gets pwned. Hard. In her past life, Esme jumped off a cliff to become an hero after her baby died. But failed. She was found in the morgue by Carlisle "Necro" Cullen and turned into a vampire. Every day since then, Carlisle has regretted this decision, but is afraid to leave Esme's bitch ass. She has a hardcore case of stalker and a virulent strain of herpes (which explains why she and Bella get along so well: they have SO MUCH IN COMMON!!!!.
The Volturi
The Volturi are composed of three gay men and are highly regarded as vampire royalty despite the obvious fact that they do nothing but hump each other day in, day out and practice kitten huffing. They also enjoy hunting other vampires and have also been reported to be serial cannibals, even deadlier than Hannibal Lecter as well as that they think that humans, particularly babies make tasty snacks. The Volturi are also known to frequent gay bars in their spare time and fantasize about raping other vampires such as Edward Cullen and Lestat de Lioncourt.
Charlie Swan
Bella's father. He bought that bitch of a daughter a car for her sweet sixteen, and she got angry at him because of it. She later forgave him, because the author didn't want Bella driving an ugly car around. He can't cook, and most probably lived off a combination of Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks before he started expecting Bella to have dinner on the table every night. Likes to fish with his lover/bitch Billy Black, Jacob Black's father, whom he bought off of his fellow white men over 100 years ago. He wants Jacob and Bella to have sex and get married so they can all be family.
